Sunday Supplement: Dancing on Ice Bosses Rue Format Tweak

ITV bosses are regretting their decision to make the show bigger and better this year, following the Professional Skaters Association's decision to slap a minimum hire wage on their skaters.

With the Friday night magazine show and the Sunday show set to run for six months, the producers have to find almost double the budget to cover the costs for the season.

An insider at the company said the blame must be laid on the shoulders of the executive decision to bump the number of celebrities up to 48 and said that the cost of hiring the professionals isn't the only issue - there simply aren't enough professionals to go round! "At the moment, it's looking like Chris, Jayne, Karen and Nicky may have to step in and partner some of the celebs, as well as Kyran, Chris, Ray and Suzanne being drafted in - which of course hasn't gone down too well with the celebs themselves, who feel their chances will be severely hindered."

Reports are that Heather Mills is already threatening to quit, while Holly and Phil have been told in no uncerain terms that they must wait their chance for another year. Health and Safety issues mean that both Metal Mickey (sharp edges) and Sinitta (angry svenagli manager and material deficiency) have both been dropped.

Saturday Strictly Come Dancing Preview: Stars Fight for Brucie's Role

With the devastating news that the irreplaceable Bruce Forsyth has to be replaced on tonight's Strictly Come Dancing due to illness, the front runners to take over the coveted spot in the BBC flagship show were herded into a small studio and told to fight it out.

Vernon Kaye, Graham Norton, Dale Winton, Terry Wogan, Peter Mandelson, Paul O'Grady and sundry others were said to be engaged in a fierce battle for the main presenting spot, with the immediate outcome looking to be an amalgamation of various personages: Ricky Gervais will make the entrance and recreate the iconic tap dance with Tess, whilst Prime Minister Gordon Brown, showing where his allegiance truly lies, will take over the links and deliver the jokes.

Newly crowned WBA Heavyweight World Champion, David Haye entered the studio to a deafening roar and asked if he could do it, at which point the rest of them just nodded and backed away hurriedly. David will be teaming up with Tess to deliver the Undisputed Moment of Truth, thus ensuring there'll be no outbursts from anyone, irrespective of the result.

Anton Du Beke is, of course, gutted. Under normal circumstances, he'd have been free by now to step right into Brucie's shoes.

Peruvian 'Metal Mickey' Lover Takes Devotion Too Far

A Peruvian man has undergone surgery to remove a kilo of nails, coins and scrap metal in his stomach.

The man tottered into a World Health Organisation clinic clutching a toy Metal Mickey and confirmed that he had been swallowing an assortment of items for the last five weeks in order to become more like his idol.

Johnny Edward, the brains behind Metal Mickey, has been accused of putting the man up to it in order to publicise his return to television, with a new series of The Metal Mickey TV Show launching on Channel Five in January and starring a real life Metal Mickey robot (technology having moved on somewhat since the early eighties). Following the success of his twin sons in the X-factor, Mr Edward has also signed Mickey up for the next series of Dancing on Ice.

With regard to the Peruvian man, doctors feel he may have been left with psychological issues and are arranging for him to be examined by metal health specialists.

Stars looking to learn to speak proper like what they should.

Kerry Katona is looking to kick start her media career by learning to speak like Katie Price.

Ironically, Katie Price was hoping to do the same by learning to speak like Kerry Katona, and hopes to emulate her by winning I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here on her second attempt, having been lured back into the jungle by the promise of a huge packet, which some people believe contains a lot of cash.

The Queen is said to be watching the outcome of the electrocution lessons with interest, since she has long been advised to speak like what the rest of her subjects do, to maintain a closeness in the special relationship.

However, Ant and Dec have said that the electrocution lessons were specifically for Katie only, and seem to think the only word Katie would be uttering would be along the lines of "Aaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!"

'I'm A Celebrity' around the world ...

... and the Indian producers hadn't quite understood what Ant and Dec meant by 'shower scenes'.

Williams Wanted for Spielberg Blockbuster

Steven Spielberg is considering Robbie Williams for a lead role in his remake of 1950 Oscar winning film Harvey.

The original film starred James Stewart as a man whose best friend is an invisible giant rabbit and Spielberg is desperate that Williams, seen here at a recent screentest, take on the role of the rabbit, while Stewart's Oscar-nominated role will be taken by Will Smith or Tom Hanks.

According to Variety magazine, Spielberg aims to start shooting early next year and will be a co-production of Twentieth Century Fox and Dreamworks.

Cowell: Jedward Threatened Blackmail

Simon Cowell today spoke out over his anguish at having to let beautiful Welsh singing sensation Lucie Jones leave the X-Factor.

The pop svengali caused a meltdown on social networking sites, when he allowed the sing off to go to deadlock, therefore giving the public the final say, which saw whipping boys Jedward through to fight another week.

After roundly criticising the twins performances week after week and insisting the reality show was a 'singing' contest, the pop mogul's decision to not save Lucie reverberated around the world, with Barack Obama calling for him to be sacked - only to have it pointed out that Cowell was actually the boss who made up the rules as he went along - Cowell himself called a press conference to state his case.

His voice trembling with emotion, the King of Pop Starmakers told how he received a bunch of shamrocks with a scrawled note, saying that if he did not save them, Jedward would tell everyone they saw him crying at a special screening of New Moon in the contestants house.

He told the assembled press how he had to threaten a producer into giving him the nod that Jedward had the bigger public vote, so that his controversial decision was not so obvious. Asked why he was speaking out now, Cowell, tears leaking through his fingers as he held his head in his hands, said he couldn't go on living with the guilt and vowed that next week would be different.

"I just don't want any more of the acts to suffer Lucie and Rachel's fates," he sobbed, "least of all my own."

Sunday Supplement: The Hidden Cost of Bonfire Night

As we now know, the whole Gunpowder Plot was just a massive spin on behalf of James 1's government of the day, but we don't care, do we, because it's a good excuse to party.

But what of those forgotten victims, the leftovers, the ignored remains from the week before, when another, world wide party is over and the paraphernalia is cast aside without a second glance. I'm talking about Halloween of course, and whilst the pretend witches and wizards, ghouls and ghosties simply remove their costumes and sling them back in a plastic bag for next year, little thought is given to those that selflessly gave themsleves over to our whims, carved up and spat out.

What about the pumpkins? After all the care and attention lavished on them before the witching hour, the aftermath brings them no comfort, no fuss - left outside to the elements, they make their own way in the world, too old and deformed and rotten to be kept for next year. The only living vegetable who truly understands how a turkey really feels, only worse, because after the Boxing Day sarnies, the turkeys are, at least, consigned to waste disposal or a frozen curry.

But the pumpkins plight continues on into the following week, when they're bombarded with the whoosh, bangs, snaps and crackles of Bonfire Night. The lucky ones will be used to support rockets, or ceremoniously placed atop said bonfire. But the unlucky ones? Left to wander, the only solace they may find will be in the bonfire owner's beer supply - and with the NHS already overburdened, the cost of clearing away these forlorn and lonely creatures will fall, once again, to the tax payer.

Saturday Review: All Star Jungle Line up Leaked

Ant and Dec are thrilled that the line up for I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here has been leaked, proving that they can attract the biggest names to any of their shows, with the best ever cast on a reality TV show.

Actress Julia Roberts is so far confirmed, following a disappointing comeback on the movie scene, where her remake of Hitchcock's Dial M for Murder - Dial P for Pizza (in 3D) bombed at the cinema, as is Bond legend Sean Connery, hoping to shake 'em and stir 'em. Heavyweight sporting greats, five time Olympic champion Sir Steven Redgrave and basketball legend Michael Jordan will be battling it out to prove who's fittest. Plus, diva Beyonce Knowles, well known for mucking in and leading the camp fire songs, has said she'll be looking to put together something extra special with fellow contender, Ronan Keating, just like Peter Andre did. Michael Flatley will be vying with Mikhail Baryshnikov for the title of Dancing King, while the producers are hoping that Jeremy Paxman will be able to switch off from his day job when he comes face to face with the First Lady Michelle Obama, flying solo for once.

A source close to the boys said they were initially a bit concerned about the bodyguards that would need accomodating, together with the relevant security issues, however, Beyonce said she would be prepared to scale down her entourage.

Husband in Drag Arrested for Identity Theft

A man arrested for using his wife's gym card has denied doing so in order to spy on women exercising in the 'Female only' section of the local gym. He insisted it was the gym's payment policy that made him resort to such a charade, as he and his wife didn't want to pay for membership that would go unused.

The 42 year old, who cannot be named for legal reasons, says his wife gave him permission to use the gym in her name, when she decided she no longer had the time to go regularly.

The police were called when the man, wearing full make up and a red wig and who'd stuffed tennis balls down his top and was wearing a tennis skirt over cycling shorts, was caught by a cleaner as he sneaked into the mens toilets.

The gym denied it refused to let clients cancel their gym membership, saying their membersip terms and conditions were fully explained on page 325 of the 325 page 'New Members Handbook', where it clearly states that only three years notice is required, that each member must pass a stringent Superstars fitness test before being allowed to leave and that the notice could only be accepted when there was a 'Z' in the month.

Schwimmer Trapped By Beach Balls

American actor David Schwimmer received a nasty surprise on a trip to a private beach in Malibu this week, when his private parts became trapped in a slatted sun lounger and he was forced to wait for the local fire brigade to cut him free.

Following a naked swim, the actor had lain face down on the lounger, not realising that the coolness of the water would have shrunk his manhood quite considerably, enough for his scrotum to slip between the slats. As his body warmed up, his manhood expanded once more and he found he was unable to free himself.

The star of Friends and other things, was too embarrassed to speak with reporters who'd somehow found out about his predicament and descended upon the beach in numbers, however, a fire officer stated there was "nothing to be seen" and moved them all on.

Mr. Schwimmer's agent then rush released a statement, confirming that there would have been something to be seen, had his client not been so shy.

Newcastle Fans Upset By Stadium Name Change

Newcastle fans were in uproar today, following the renaming of St.James Park as sportsdirect.com@ St.James Park.

As the official supporters club staged a protest outside the ground, fans of neighouring club Middlesborough were also on their way to petition their club owners, regarding the proposed name change to the Garmin Stadium, however, they took a wrong turning and ended up in the river.

With Blackburn considering a request from their sponsors to rename Ewood Park the Crown Paints Compact Paint Pod, it was left to the Liverpool players themselves to veto the change to the 'This Is Anfield' placque in the players tunnel, with Gerrard insisting that 'This Is Probably The Best Players' Tunnel In The World' just wouldn't fit.

However, England can rest assured that the Nationwide Mortgages Wembley Stadium will not become afflicted by the sullied touch of sponsorship like the Thailand national stadium, now known as the Ronald McDonald Salad Bowl.

Giant Jellyfish Capsize 10 Ton Trawler

Jelly fish off the coast of Japan are staging industrial action in the run up to Christmas, and fought back today against being caught, chopped into cubed oblongs, wrapped in plastic and forced into brightly coloured cardboard packets.

A spokesman for the jellyfish, Mr Wobble, said his members were increasingly frustrated at the bad press their species attracted, and where would childrens' birthday parties be if it weren't for them?

Ice cream company Walls are said to be considering contigingency plans in case the action does mean a shortage of jelly, including looking at alternative quorn substitutes.

"It's ironic that the weather and water conditions in the breeding grounds this year mean there is an explosion in numbers and sizes, which has impacted on the trawler men's performance." said a gleeful Sir David Attenborough, who has always maintained a hearty dislike of jelly and has long since campaigned against the practice of making it.

A Japanese trawler man commented: "We're going to need a bigger boat."

Rooney's Baby Makes His Debut. Awwww.

Wayne and Colleen Rooney are the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy this evening.

Kai Wayne is said to be the spitting image of his dad, weighing in at a svelte 16lbs 10oz. A steady stream of family and friends have inundated the family home with presents and Domino's said they quickly sold out of their special Baby Meal.

Mother and baby are said to be doing well. Kai, at any rate, has already worked his way through fifteen cream buns, four Kentucky family buckets and ten litres of coke in a sterling attempt to follow in daddy's footsteps.

Wayne is reportedly over the moon.