Sunday Music Supplement: Cowell Rages Against the BBC

In a major hissy fit today, Simon Cowell called in a favour from his home planet and threatened to exterminate Moscow, following the failure of X-factor winner Joe McElderry to hit the chart top spot for Christmas.

Stamping his feet and complaining that the Beeb were just trying to punish him for X-Factor trouncing Strictly Come Dancing in the battle for saturday night ratings, by supporting US rap metal band Rage Against The Machine's 1992 single Killing in the Name, the pop svengali called in a favour from his adoring fans across the universe, who were unfortunately unable to download Joe's single The Climb, due to a cold snap in the Orion Belt interfering with their internet connection.

Answering his distress signal, a crew was dispatched to threaten BBC Broadcasting House, however, the same bad weather front affected their satnav and sent them to Eastern Europe instead.

Joe was said to be "quietly embarrassed" by Simon and mentor Cheryl's hysterical behaviour, saying he was only 18 years old and he'd like to think his career would be lasting a little longer than just the other side of this Christmas.

Saturday Review: Beckhams' Return to Manchester

Celebrity hairdresser and part-time international footballer, David Beckham, is planning a triumphant return to Manchester.

Rejoining Italian club AC Milan from LA Galaxy in the new year means that Beckham will be eligible to play against his former club Manchester United, as the Champions League reaches the final 16.

Never one to miss an opportunity, wife Victoria is opening an exlcusive new boutique in the Arndale shopping centre, with one end being fitted out as a salon for David to fulfill his dream, nay, destiny, in hairdressing. Bookings are already being taken.

The Beckham work ethic runs deep and they are instilling similar ambition in their three children. Brooklyn makes a mean gingerbread man and, supervised by Nanny Posh, is opening a cafe at the other end of the boutique.

A source close to the Beckhams said that they don't want their children to grow up thinking they can have anything they want without having to work for it; to prove the point, Romeo and Cruz will offer a pedicure service to the celebrity clientele in the salon boutique as their contribution to the family business.

Nicole Kidman To Sue Make-Up Artist

Hollywood starlet Nicole Kidman was left embarrassed and horrified when photographers snapped her on the red carpet for the premiere of her latest film with her face made up like Krusty the Clown.

A spokesman for the leading lady said there'd been a quarrell between the legendary actress and her make-up artist (over the nail polish she was wearing not entirely matching her lipstick and why couldn't she find the exact shade exactly?) but refused to go into details.

However, a source close to the Australian superstar mother-of-three, said that time ticked away so fast, Ms Kidman didn't have time to check her reflection before the limo arrived and was unaware of her make-up artist's stitch-up job.

Thankfully, the argument between Tom Cruise's ex-missus and her make-up artist didn't escalate to the make-up artist's sister, who is Ms Kidman's dresser, and the Aussie red-head was her usual immaculately turned out self in other areas, wearing a fetching oversized pair of bright red stripey trousers and braces ensemble, courtesy of designer to the stars, Zandra Rhodes.

Cheques to be Written off by 2018

The UK Payments Council has announced that cheques will be gradually phased out over the next eight years. The 15-strong body, comprising members of the banking industry but funnily enough no pensioners who prefer a paper based system, or account holders who are completely incompetent when it comes to looking after their debit card, or electricians who worry about the implications during a power cut, since supermarkets are already incapable of taking your money during one, said cheques were in "long-term, terminal decline".

Chief executive Paul Smee said: "There are many more efficient ways of making payments than by paper in the 21st century, and the time is ripe for the economy as a whole to reap the benefits of its replacement."

"Which is what, exactly?" Asked our financial correspondent Arthur Crown.

"Ah, well, we haven't quite thought that far ahead yet," replied the Chief Exec. "That's why it's going to take eight years. At the moment, it's looking like myself and my colleagues will be running some kind of express courier system and transferring cash between small businesses and their customers who would normally pay by cheque."

"Isn't that what Securicor do?"

"Well, yes, but on a much smaller scale of course."

"So we're going back to cash then?"

"What, no, no, of course not. I'm sure it'll all work out to everyone's satisfaction."

"So we're going back to cash then? We've already gone back to keeping it under our mattresses."

"I assure you ..."

"Assure me when you've actually thought it through. This is Arthur Crown, for the Daily Scatter, from the Headquarters of the know-it-all smug bastards on the Payment Council."

Capello Wants Egypt and Mexico

England manager, Fabio Capello, is not content with conquering the hallowed sports desks in the UK, winning the Coaching Award at the recent BBC Sports Review of the Year. After leading England to victory by way of a place in the final 32 of the World Cup in 2010 and thereby living up to our minimum expectations, Fabio Capello has now set his sights on the Egyptian and Mexican versions.

With the threat of having to return the UK award if our national team don’t actually win in South Africa next year, Capello figures he'd do well to have back up trophies in place.

How exactly he plans to convince the overseas footballing associations of his credentials for winning their awards remains to be seen, but as Rooney himself said: Capello is the key.

With the Egyptian and Mexican teams ranked below England’s international rating, the criteria for winning the awards would appear to be a) Capello passing tactics and scripts for appropriate team talks to his Egyptian counterpart, so that they might hopefully make it to the finals next time and b) Progressing further than Mexico.

A tired old sports hack slumped in a pub corner, justified the selection of Capello as Coach of the Year in the face of all the coaches and managers who'd actually won something, by saying they had to take potential into account. He then slipped off the stool and slid under the table.

GB Economy in Crisis

As Alistair Darling informs Prime Minister Gordon Brown that he went for a double or quits 'Girl Power' accumulator bet with Paddy Power, on Ali Bastian and Stacey Solomon to win Strictly Come Dancing and the X-Factor respectively.

Sunday Supplement: Vigilantes Getting Younger?

When two armed robbers entered a cafe mid-morning one Saturday, they figured on a docile response to their demands; families sharing quality time over an all-day breakfast; tired workmen, fresh from an all night shift. What they didn’t bargain for was the heroic actions of a have-a-go-hero taking them by surprise.

As they passed his table, a nondescript young lad of around nine years old, according to eye-witnesses, suddenly jumped up, brandishing the cafe’s squeezy bottle of tomato ketchup in one hand and squeezy bottle of brown sauce in the other.

The would be robbers turned to see why there were gasps of surprise and the boy leapt into action, squirting both robbers square in the face with the sauces, causing them to drop their weapons in shock. Fellow diners then joined in and dived into the fray, pinning the robbers to the floor while waiting for the police to arrive.

The boy, now dubbed ‘The Ketchup Kid’, did not stay to give his details and Police have asked anyone with any information on him to come forward. The owners of the cafe itself are also keen to contact the boy, to reward him for his actions in protecting them and their customers. So far, all they’ve received is a handwritten note:

“It is enough to know that I serve a higher purpose; I need not of Lego or Wii games. I am Justice! I am Revenge!”
KK.

PS. I wouldn’t mind a new bike, mine got nicked.

The Saturday Environmental Review: The Copenhagen Summit

Green campaigners are still insisting this week that global warming is a very real and present danger. Even with irrefutable evidence against the notion, supplied by Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, via a snapshot from her own kitchen window, the rest of the world has taken it on board and will decide, in due course, hopefully within the next decade or two and certainly before the Polar bears are extinct, what further action may be required. If any.

David Attenborough has said he will be happy to discuss the matter further and would be delighted to meet Sarah Palin halfway. Halfway down a dark alley, preferably.

Health and Safety Officers Raid Craft Shops

In an unprecedented move today, officials from the Health and Safety Executive raided Hobbycraft and other stationers, removing vast amounts of tubes of glitter, worth approximately two million pounds on the high street.

A statement issued by the Home Secretary said that the use of glitter by children had been banned after much consultation with paediatrics, social workers and floor covering manufacturers, as it became apparent that the stuff was a bugger to hoover off a carpet once trodden in. Also, tests showed that specks falling between the slats in wooden flooring were causing the floor to rot, with the result that cases of the condition 'Underlay Feet' had seen an increase by 200%, as floorboards gave way, leaving feet trapped in that yucky green stuff underneath.

The Government action was met with dismay by parents and teachers alike, as many children looked forward to making their own Christmas cards at this time of year, which kept them amused and, more importantly, quiet, for hours on end.

Mick Brookes, the General Secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers, said the organisaton would fight the ban, stating: "If we don't stand our ground now ... well, before you know it, they'll stop me popping the grandkids on the back of the motorbike. And they love being roadies for the band at the weekend. We have to make a stand."

Director Defends Movie Pirate

New Moon director Chris Weitz has defended the antics of faded movie stuntwoman Samantha Tumpach that landed her in jail for two days.

The 93 year old bodydoubled for Hollywood leading ladies in most of the major motion pictures about pirates in the golden age of movies but celebrations got out of hand when filming a surprise birthday party for her 89 year old sister, at a special screening of Twilight sequel, New Moon. Ms Tumpach tried to recreate the swashbuckling moves that saw her in such high demand for films such as Against All Flags, where she doubled for the lovely Maureen O'Hara, Anne of the Indies featuring feisty Jean Peters and the exotic Yvonne de Carlo in Buccaneer's Girl, but only succeeded in breaking her hip, as she attempted a triple somersault off the screen's gantry, bringing the entire lot crashing down onto the front row of the audience and flipping into the ice cream vendor's tray.

Her sister and friends used to join Samantha on the sets of the films she starred in and hadn't seen the like of the handsome and topless young actors for nigh on sixty years. Having sneaked some rum into the cinema, where New Moon was being premiered in their home town in Illinois, the combination of the rum, the canvas screen reminding them of sails and the sight of the nubile Mr Pattinson tipped them over the edge of their seats, joining Samantha in the front row.

The ice-cream vendor, 72, was said to be recovering nicely.

RSPCA Accused of Cruelty to Celebrities

The Welsh RSPCA have been accused of cruelty to celebrities, by beginning legal action against new King of the Jungle, Gino Di Campo, and fellow campmate Stuart Manning, for catching and killing a rat to eat - even though they were in full view of the show's producers and Australian advisers, who could have stepped in immediately to stop them!

Viewers of the popular reality show fronted by this generation's Morecombe and Wise, Ant and Dec, saw the exiled camp tuck heartily into the rat-atouile made by chef Gino, when their meagre rations threatened to leave them incapacitated for the trials that could save them from elimination.

"It's too ridiculous for words," claimed a show insider. "The celebs eat live grubs and insects all the time, not to mention treading thousands underfoot during the trials. I bet the RSPCA never give Ray Mears or Bear Grylls any trouble."

It's true that neither Ray Mears nor Bear Grylls have been prosecuted for animal cruelty, however, the Canadian branch of the RSPCA did investigate whether the latter was a delicacy conjured up by the aforementioned Mr. Mears.

Auditions Open for 2010 Britain's Got Talent.

Sunday Art Supplement: The Turner Prize Nominations

The nominatons are in and have been in residence at the Tate Britain since October. However, for the first time since it's inception, the artists have been questioned as to just how creative they are, bearing in mind the titles given to their work of art. Apart from David Henry's Lost Sock (left) the other nominees have been strangely uncreative when it comes to naming their submissions.





Roger Thorns has also been criticised for his masterpiece, An Art Less Titled (left) making use of Lego - since workers at Lego themselves provided the blue print for this as they do for all their other designs and Thorns' peers remain unconvinced that he deserves his place.




As for Lucy Skidder's The Road to Titledom, (left) comparisons have been made with Tracey Eminem's Uncooked Pasty, in that it seems to be the work of a lazy cow, one however, able to draw inspiration from one's surroundings with unnerving accuracy.

Finally, Richard Left's Title-Schmitle (left) was praised for it's simplicity of lines and perfectly balanced symmetry of life, with his trademark touch of surrealism.

The winner will be announced on December 7th, until then, spend a fortune travelling to London to view this eclectic collection, many examples of which you could actually find in any good junk shop near home.

Saturday Music Review: Rihanna's Struggle To Record

R'n'B megastar Rihanna found it tough to record her latest album 'Rated R' because of the lyrical closeness to the many troubles she was experiencing in her life during it's recording.

A source close to the beautiful singer said it was a difficult time for her but felt that it added a whole new dimension to some of the songs, as she poured her heart and soul into it, even though, at times, she was forced to leave the studio when overcome by emotion.

Rihanna said: "It's the closest album to me, to my heart. I opened up a lot on it and got a little vulnerable and let my emotions out on it. Everything's documented on the album." Only now can she listen to it all through without crying. She said: "I'm able to listen back to it now but in the beginning it was really weird. I couldn't listen to demos or anything. It was too deep for me. I kept leaving the studio when people wanted to listen to the songs."

Our resident music guru, Lil Edna Slippers checked it out and found that the album could well resonate with most of the record buying public.

1. Mad House - We've all been there, the olds call and say the car's broken down and can you go and bring them back from the boot fair they went to fifty miles away; the kids aren't up and you're wearing paint stained holey jogging bottoms and are halfway through the back wall in the living room.

2. Wait Your Turn - Boxing Day Sales at Bluewater. 'Nuff said.

3. Hard featuring Jeezy - it was, he wouldn't keep still. They didn't even get round to titling the track. Don't have him back.

4. Stupid In Love - the struggles to hold something back for later, but, when it comes to chocolate ... we've all been there.

5. ROCKSTAR 101 featuring Slash - it's the smell, it takes forever to get rid. Why can't he use the loo like normal people?

6. Russian Roulade - like normal roulade but covered in fur. Even Gordon Ramsey would weep.

7. Frie Bomb - it's not often you go for a Maccy D's but when you do, it'd be nice to eat it in peace and not spend the lunch time picking potato out of your barnet.

8. Rude Boy - the next door neighbour's little brat, his footballs, your fence, his hand signals.

9. Photographs featuring will.i.am - how a respected musician and singer can be such a pain in the backside, by jumping into every shot; everyone wishes he'd just GROW UP!

10. G4L11. Te Amo - the issues we all have with predictive text.

12. Cold Case Love - Finally, the Waking the Dead episode we all wanted to see: Grace and Boyd getting it on.

13. The Last Song On This CD - laziness, the deadliest of the seven sins and how anyone can be affected by it.

A lasting reminder of the trails and tribulations we can all face during our time on this earth, add it to your Christmas list and do your family a favour by playing it, loudly, all over the remainder of the festive season - they'll love you for it.